Why Stalkers Stalk—and What to Do If You're a Victim - GoodTherapy.org Therapy Blog (2024)

Why Stalkers Stalk—and What to Do If You're a Victim - GoodTherapy.org Therapy Blog (1)Being stalked can beparalyzingly frightening. Victims aren’t traumatized just once; they’re perpetually unsettled by attempts at contact and often begin to feel like there’s no safe place to go.

The Bureau of Justice Statistics reports that about three million people are stalked every year, most by people they know—often a former intimate partner. As many as 10% of stalking victims fear for their lives, and all victims face massive disruptions to their routines. While stalking, like domestic violence, has been around for generations, it has been only in recent years that the issue has been taken seriously, and many victims may be hesitant to seek help.

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What Is Stalking?

At its core, stalking consists of repeated attempts to gain control over or terrorize someone. Stalking exists on a continuum. On the lower end, it might involve repeated phone calls, letters, or email contacts. In its more extreme manifestations, however, stalking might involve repeatedly going to a person’s house, making threats against a person, harming pets, stealing possessions, or interfering with a person’s relationships with friends, family, or coworkers. Stalkers may alternate between patterns of domestic violence and stalking.

Each state establishes its own legal criteria for stalking. Laws generally require multiple unwanted contacts and mandate that a victim fear for his or her safety. A coworker who comes back to see a person at his or her office daily, for example, would not be stalking, and a secret admirer who sends flowers once per week is not necessarily a stalker. Repeated contacts rise to the level of stalking when they’re designed to gain power over a person and cause emotional terror.

Why Do People Stalk?

Stalkers often emphasize that they “love” their victims and occasionally say they stalk to keep others safe. For example, an abusive ex-husband might say he stalks his ex-wife to ensure she’s properly caring for their children. Psychologically, however, stalking is a crime of control. Stalkers see their victims as possessions who are rightfully theirs, and stalking behavior is frequently activated by a breakup or an ex-partner’s new relationship.

Some mental health issues can lead to stalking. People with personality issues such as a borderline personality diagnosis may have trouble letting go of relationships and sometimes use manipulative tactics to control people. Erotomania is a delusion in which a person believes that another person—often a celebrity—is in love with him or her, and this can lead to stalking. However, not all stalkers have mental health conditions, and the overwhelming majority are men. Cultural and gender norms may contribute to stalking behavior.

What Can Victims Do to Get Help?

If you’re being stalked, don’t make excuses for the stalker or tell yourself you are overreacting. Tell a friend or family member what’s happening so you have a support person and a witness. If you are in immediate danger or are being followed, dial 911. There’s no price for overreacting, but underreacting to stalking can, in extreme cases, be fatal. Other things you can do to remain safe:

  • Change your routine frequently so that it is more difficult for your stalker to find you.
  • Instruct friends, family, and employers not to give out information about you without your express permission.
  • Keep a log of every incident so you have evidence if you need to press charges.
  • Seek a restraining order against the stalker, and call the police immediately if he or she violates the order.

References:

  1. Help for victims. (n.d.).Stalking Resource Center. Retrieved from http://www.victimsofcrime.org/our-programs/stalking-resource-center/help-for-victims
  2. King, M. W., & Sivak, A. (n.d.). Stalking: New studies shed light on a crime that terrorizes its victims.National Crime Prevention Council. Retrieved from http://www.ncpc.org/programs/catalyst-newsletter/catalyst-newsletter-2009/volume-30-number-11/stalking-a-new-study-sheds-light-on-a-crime-that-repeatedly-terrorizes-its-victims
  3. Stalking. (n.d.).National Institute of Justice. Retrieved from http://www.nij.gov/topics/crime/stalking/
  4. Stalking. (n.d.).USDOJ: Office on Violence Against Women: Crimes of Focus: Stalking. Retrieved from http://www.ovw.usdoj.gov/aboutstalking.htm

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  • Melissa

    April 5th, 2013 at 7:58 PM

    I was briefly stalked by this person a few years ago. He was a former neighbor and started stalking me when I left the neighborhood. It went on for about a week and a threat from a few friends put an end to it. He would follow me around. Nothing big you might say but trust me it still makes me nervous to this day.

    Reply

  • autumn

    April 26th, 2015 at 7:04 PM

    I am a victim of domestic violence of a extremely terrified, lots of verbally abused. My abused has been criticizing me and my family and my friends for a very long time. I’m scared of him. He has failed myself for goal’s that I had. I never gave him any information about myself but he found out anything of me. He has also has used the Tucson police department and the sheriff’s against me to. He has also abused me with my family with him saying nasty critical things to me. He would also abused me with my mental illness as well. He abandoned and neglected myself as well. He would put on the streets and he would do horrible things to me. My parents think that I was crazy. The law now thinks that I am crazy that he isn’t real. My reputation with the law and my family will never be the same ever again. Everybody I talked to about him, it’s like they don’t want nothing to do with me. And the safest thing is that he is a fed. He works for the government. I don’t know who I got myself involved with. I have ask numerous of times for his address but he refuses to give it to me. My parents are willing to help me with this abused. I have lost 5 years of my life with this guy who refuses to give me address and talk to my parents on his behalf. I have blame him for everything. He also would stalk me and harrassed me with work. He trick me this year…2015 he also told me that I’m not going to let you moved on due to what I did to my children. He has also called me a hoe, slut, and the town hoe, and hr also told me that nobody cares about you and thus is why your parents don’t want you. He also told me and been pushing me to get my social security, because he said that was all I do was called in. He also told me about a house a family and everything else sweet. And he also told me it will take a year for me to be good. Since he found out another illness against he had been abusing me with it. I’m really scared of him because I have no privacy in my home or when I go out in public. He also said to me that I was never a mother to my kids. My understanding threats about him is that he will never let me go and let me be and I just might have to end my life so he doesn’t come around me anymore. I have been suicidal and having lots of anger with this guy. He also hurts me with my own financial and about money. He has or never ever has been there for me but he has only been there with the harassing me with the cops, my parents, my children and my self and my past history. He has been controlling me since this happened to me. He has been abusing me at the beginning of this year. He also told me don’t be embarrassed. I’m over him, but he doesn’t stop. He also abused me by telling me to get a service pet and that I’m going to need one. He also fraud me with my mail. He trick me by receiving a gift in the mail, but he wanted to get information. He also wants me to blame myself for the borderline personality, he accused me of not having any friends. I had a great car, before I got myself involved in another abusive relationship with this one. My car was all paid off. And my dad spend lots money buying it for me. I was with a friend one evening and I put my keys on the couch, and there were missing. He made a copy of my keys and next thing I know, my car was vandalized and stolen at a friends house, that was behind of what my ex did. At the very same time at another person house he also record me having sex and put it on the air. At a medical center he also, had his family and his friends in to. He had me faced the wall, and told me to do nasty things with myself. He also would forced bananas in my mouth to see if I got fat or not. I went to ask the law for some gas money in his white car, who was with the guy who sat by him in my courtroom one day and they gave me dirty looks and drive on. I even been asking my own two parents for advice about this one. And they were right. He even called me a liar or even a used me of a liar with myself or with my past. He also told me that I burned bridges. There things that I will never tell a man, and since he is refusing to leave me alone I don’t know what verbal abuse that is going to come out of his mouth. He also comes back and forth with me too. There is nothing that I want or need from him either. I want to honestly kill myself so I can be the police victim anymore. And he also told me that I can’t work or a hold a job untill I retired. This is going to nasty, by the day. I feel really discomfort and disgusted with myself when I take a shower. Or when I’m naked. He also hurts my hopes for me and hurts anybody that comes in my life. He wants all my life to him, and he also thinks that I’m nasty and sick all of the time. But I remember what my mom told me, that I don’t need this in my life. It’s easier to get of myself and my dreams and what I want than be hurt and be in something that I really don’t want. Because I don’t want nothing to do with him . He’s not the one. There’s lots of abused, and it’s him more anything.

    Reply

  • Biola

    August 6th, 2016 at 11:48 AM

    Don’t let anyone make you commit suicide that means you let them win
    when. You know your enemy that’s. Means they can not kill you because, they know they would be accountable for their crime dust off and moving with your life there so many frustrated people at out and know the people you hang around with and be careful make. a new friend and moving on with your life

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Why Stalkers Stalk—and What to Do If You're a Victim - GoodTherapy.org Therapy Blog (3)

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